Feeling Beaten Down

Dance was beyond frustrating tonight. I got teary-eyed a couple times, and I fell on my butt once. I feel like I should be improving, that I've been working at these things for some time now, and nothing's getting better. My pirouhettes still suck, I can't kick worth crap, and my brain craps out on me halfway through every class to the point that any new information just bounces off and away.

I know that it takes years before anyone can truly be proficient in any skill, but I'd think that after a few years (however inconsistently) I would be making some small gains. My arms are more toned and I think I've dropped a little of the extra fat, but I would be fine with weighing 20 extra pounds if I could just turn without falling over. Well, maybe not 20. Maybe just 10.

Anyway, I was going to stay for modern after jazz, but I wanted to go home and relax. That puts me at only three classes after tomorrow night because I'm missing ballet in the morning for my only Thursday shows of the year, but at the end of class I didn't care. I wanted out of there. I'll have to take ballet on Saturday after work-study.

GAH. I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER. I'm ready to get better. I'm tired of looking like my limbs have minds of their own and have decided to take a holiday but have forgotten that they're still attached. I'm tired of feeling dumb. I'm tired of my back hurting and my knees stiffening up when I sit still for too long. I'm tired of being tired. I just want to get better.

I should go to bed. I have an audition tomorrow after a three-show day. Hooray.