Klutz

There's a small dent in the top of my brand new laptop. I don't know how it got there. If I was anyone else, someone who isn't as anal as I am, this wouldn't be a probelm. If I was someone else I would shrug and say, "Oh well." But I'm not someone else. I'm me. And me feels a deep sadness for all the things she's ever owned that were once new and will never be new again, a sadness for the fleeting state of newness, a sadness for her inability to keep anything in good condition, a "See, that's why we can't have nice things" kind of sadness.

I'm a klutz with expensive gifts. I've lost an entire pair of diamond studs. I broke my Nikon SLR camera by dropping it too many times. I got a Walkman for Christmas and the very next day, December 26th, I dropped it in the toilet. If someone else spent a lot of money on something and gave it to me, it's a given that I will eventually break it, and most likely sooner rather than later. I don't know why this happens to me. I try not to be careless with gifts, but somehow I end up ruining them. I think it's because I love my things a little too hard. Like Lenny in Of Mice and Men. I just want my gifts close to me at all times, and close to me is a dangerous place to be.

The conundrum then becomes, do I just not use it and run the risk of the giver thinking I don't like it, or do I just use it, try not to break it but most likely injure it somehow, and move on? I wish I could say with any kind of certainty that I won't break things, but I can't. So...move on?

At least I'll have an excuse for not writing in here come November

I went ahead and did it. I joined NaNoWriMo for the second time. I will have more demands on my time now that I'll have a regular job, but I think that'll be good for me. I manage my time better when I'm busy.

Wish me luck!

I'm going to get some crap for this.

I feel cheesy for saying this, but I love Journey. Just look at them! Best band ever.

So I found Full Metal Alchemist episodes on YouTube and have been watching them since last night. I think it's safe to say I have an addiction.

Can you tell that I don't have much to report career-wise?

Time to Hunker Down

My workshop is over. I'm sad and relieved. It was a lot of work for five days, but it was good to do it. I got to work with some really talented folks with recognizable (to the theatre community anyway) names and I felt inadequate but grateful.

I have a little over a week before I start my job. I must get my life in order before next Wednesday. And all I want to do is sleep.

I wonder if they know.

I love working with people who are more skilled, more confident, and more experienced than I am. They make me better.

Help.

Ok. I'm addicted to Second Life.

My director, ladies and gentleman.

FADE, as told by Adia's videocamera phone.

The Means to the End

Wow. I just got a job. A regular, no-ending-date-in-sight job.




I'm going to have to change my profile.

Sunday Morning Random

I want a Tiny House!

Hee! My keyboard lights up!

So my movie is done shooting, and I got a new computer! I don't quite know what to feel! I like exclamation points, though!

Here's a cellphone photo from shooting (that I can finally put on my computer because it has Bluetooth!):

I kind of feel like I have a regular job these days: I'm out of the house from 9 AM until 6 or 7 at night. I fell asleep in a chair and didn't get in my bed until 4 this morning. My neck thanks me for that.

the truth hurts

It's one thing to be in New York, the epicenter of theatre in the United States, to be giving the "working actor" bit your all and contemplate giving it up. It's another thing to be in Minneapolis, be really lazy about seeking out work and contemplate giving it up.

So I'm in the latter category. I've been at this for four, five years now. I used to have a vision, and the vision was me walking a red carpet somewhere at the premiere of my latest film, looking fabulous, some lovely boy toy on my arm. The "Imminent Stardom" I named my blog after, if you will. I've held onto that red carpet vision, even in the midst of yet another "this is getting me nowhere" industrial shoot, even when I wanted to rip my hair out because I wasn't getting cast anywhere, even when I realized that I would have to move in order to get what I wanted and I actually kind of liked Minneapolis.

Somewhere in the midst of the Ivey Awards (some of you who know me best could pinpoint exactly when that was) I let go of the red carpet vision. The death grip I had on it loosened and I just...let it go. Somewhere in me I realized that I was never going to get to the red carpet. I'm not a fresh-faced college student anymore. My energy for trying new things is waning, if I ever had much in the first place. I've never wanted to work that hard, and as I get older the desire for hard work shrinks even more.

I remember talking to my college boss about trying to be an actor, and she said, "You know, I just don't see it. I just don't think you have the drive." I thought it was a heartless thing to say at the time, but I think she's right. I've dithered about moving for two and a half years now. I haven't studied with any private coaches to improve my acting or my singing, I don't badger casting directors and artistic directors to remember me when casting time comes. I just don't have it.

So where does that leave me? I don't know. Well, I do know, I just don't want to say yet. Suffice it to say that I have plans and they have nothing to do with what I'm doing now.

It is *so* time for sleep.

Until 20 minutes ago, I hadn't been home for more than five minutes since 9:30 pm Monday night. Overnight shoot, audition, rehearsal, babysitting. Please let me never do that again.

It's not that I planned things that way, they just started stacking one on top of the other until I realized that I wasn't going to get to sleep until Tuesday night.

I also need to learn how to say no. And not the "well, I'm sort of busy" kind of no, just, "No" period. I'm now committed to something that I really don't have the time or inclination to do, but I'm committed. GUH.

And now I really need to brush my teeth and go to bed, even though I'm terribly hungry. I need to get to bed or my body will hate me.

I forgot about my holiday thing.

Today is Yom Kippur. Happy Yom Kippur.

And Happy World Vegetarian Day. Eat a vegetable to celebrate.

And also, Happy Independence Day Nigeria and Cyprus. Um, buy some oil and eat some potatoes.