Where did September go?

I can't believe it's October. I can't believe it's really October. I feel panic in my chest at this thought, because it means that my visa paperwork is due in Korea in less than a month. It means that I'm leaving New York in six weeks. It means that I uproot my life once again and put myself in a situation that's guaranteed to make me uncomfortable and triumphant. It means I can't stall any longer.

***

The strangest thought just jumped into my head as I listened to "Ready, Able" by Grizzly Bear: I'd like to evaporate right now. What a strange thing to want. I suppose it comes from my desire to hit pause, to suspend myself in this moment where I have free time, where my only responsibility is making it to the library for Writer's Group this afternoon, where I don't feel hungry, where this lovely music is making me smile. I see my atoms drifting apart and hovering in the sunlight streaming into my room. I'm just mist, if only for a moment. Then everything congeals, snaps back together, and I go on with my life. That snapping back together thing might be a little painful, doncha think? Exchanging the lightness of vapor for the sticky heaviness of corporeality (no, that's not a Dictionary word, but I like it anyway).

No, I'm not drunk, or going nuts (at least not sanitarium-worthy nuts). Just being honest. Can you tell that I did my morning pages today? I'm always a little freer after my three-page free write.

***

Kidlings, I have no idea what else to say here. I think it's time to start a new blog. This one has been good to me, but I don't know what to say anymore. The actor thing is boring me at the moment, so I don't have any topical content. And I feel bad writing about non-actory things in a blog geared toward acting. I'm compelled to communicate, but I have no idea if anyone wants to hear what I have to say; screaming into the void and all that.

I think my job stole my creativity. I like the people I work with, but I can't remember the last time my creative reservoir felt so empty, and I think it's my job that did it. I don't want to wish away any of my time here on Earth, but if suddenly all my living expenses were paid, I could walk away from that job without a second glance. My brain is slowly turning to mush and making me think that mushifying is enjoyable: sitting in front of a computer all day, staring at spreadsheets, answering the phone, eating lunch, skipping lunch, riding the subway, going to bed at nine, waking before the sun just to shower and put on clothes to stare at a computer screen all day. This life is like a tranquilizer, and I only start to really wake up on Sunday afternoon, but then it's back to walking zombie on Monday morning.

Hm. This is a really great song.

La Dee Da

La Dee Da
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

Obligatory Blog Update.

It's Saturday. I'm showered and dressed to go to the library to try to find a monologue for my upcoming audition/interview to teach theatre in Korea. I'm still at home because I must finish my coffee. It pains my heart to waste coffee, so I don't.

It's been muggy and hot, and that kind of weather makes me lethargic.

I originally put on a dress, felt it brushing my thighs in a way it only does when I've gained weight, then said, "I'm too fat for this dress." I took it off and put on pants and a tank top. I didn't say I was fat, I said I was too fat for that particular dress. Yeah, so maybe I have a lot of clothes that were purchased when I was absurdly skinny. The fact remains that if I can't fit into these clothes, I will have three pairs of pants and two skirts that I can wear, and I hate doing laundry. So gaining weight is not an option.

This photo is an old photo. It's the mate of this one.

I wish I had a funny story for you.

I'm out of funny at the moment.