Where did September go?

I can't believe it's October. I can't believe it's really October. I feel panic in my chest at this thought, because it means that my visa paperwork is due in Korea in less than a month. It means that I'm leaving New York in six weeks. It means that I uproot my life once again and put myself in a situation that's guaranteed to make me uncomfortable and triumphant. It means I can't stall any longer.

***

The strangest thought just jumped into my head as I listened to "Ready, Able" by Grizzly Bear: I'd like to evaporate right now. What a strange thing to want. I suppose it comes from my desire to hit pause, to suspend myself in this moment where I have free time, where my only responsibility is making it to the library for Writer's Group this afternoon, where I don't feel hungry, where this lovely music is making me smile. I see my atoms drifting apart and hovering in the sunlight streaming into my room. I'm just mist, if only for a moment. Then everything congeals, snaps back together, and I go on with my life. That snapping back together thing might be a little painful, doncha think? Exchanging the lightness of vapor for the sticky heaviness of corporeality (no, that's not a Dictionary word, but I like it anyway).

No, I'm not drunk, or going nuts (at least not sanitarium-worthy nuts). Just being honest. Can you tell that I did my morning pages today? I'm always a little freer after my three-page free write.

***

Kidlings, I have no idea what else to say here. I think it's time to start a new blog. This one has been good to me, but I don't know what to say anymore. The actor thing is boring me at the moment, so I don't have any topical content. And I feel bad writing about non-actory things in a blog geared toward acting. I'm compelled to communicate, but I have no idea if anyone wants to hear what I have to say; screaming into the void and all that.

I think my job stole my creativity. I like the people I work with, but I can't remember the last time my creative reservoir felt so empty, and I think it's my job that did it. I don't want to wish away any of my time here on Earth, but if suddenly all my living expenses were paid, I could walk away from that job without a second glance. My brain is slowly turning to mush and making me think that mushifying is enjoyable: sitting in front of a computer all day, staring at spreadsheets, answering the phone, eating lunch, skipping lunch, riding the subway, going to bed at nine, waking before the sun just to shower and put on clothes to stare at a computer screen all day. This life is like a tranquilizer, and I only start to really wake up on Sunday afternoon, but then it's back to walking zombie on Monday morning.

Hm. This is a really great song.

Self-Care

Self-Care
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I don't even know what to say today.

I have 12 headshots and letters ready to go in the mail today. I'm proud of that.

I'm waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I miss going to dance class. More than I'll admit on a daily basis.

I have to buy a loft bed today.

My apartment was a mess yesterday and I cleaned it up, put my clean clothes away where they belonged, and made neat piles on my desk. I'm proud of that, too.

I have a deep affection for the Brooklyn Public Library.

The Raw Shark Texts was quite boring. And then it got good. Really good. Another winner, in my opinion.

I need a sharp change in the weather. I need a change, period. I feel like I'm covered in silt, like I've drifted into a still pool, out of the main current and into one of those cloudy, weed-littered pools that line a rushing river. I've settled to the bottom and I'm covered with sediment. I need a good, swift kick from an accidental toe to send me back into the current.

Or maybe I just need some vegetables.

Daily

Juicy
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I had my first catering gig last night. It was tiring, but I actually had fun. It was nice to not sit behind a desk in a dark, cold office.

This bracelet is one of my favorite accessories. It's simple, bright, and most of all it only cost me three dollars.

Today it looks like rain.

One Week

I got here last Tuesday afternoon.  Here being New York.  It's my one-week anniversary!  I'm watching the Today show.  They showed Rockefeller Plaza.  I could go there now if I wanted to.  I have lots of moments like that, in which I say, "Hey, that's where I live now!  I could totally go there if I wanted to!"  I don't usually go.  In fact,  I haven't done a single touristy thing yet.  I got on a train and went downtown last Saturday and that was a gigantic mistake.  So. Many. People.  So many people walking really slowly and staring at things.  I overheard one woman giggling to her friend as they were squeezed between the mobs crossing the street, "Welcome to New York!"  I almost said, "Uh, this isn't New York.  This is Touristville.  Head uptown.  You don't even have to go that far.  There are no herds uptown."  I'm a New York snob already!

I'm still looking for permanent lodgings.  Problem is, I also need another job.  So I'm looking for both, and it's tiring.  *sigh*  Need to get in the shower.  I really don't want a shower.  I just want to go back to sleep.  Mmmm...banana chips.