"Do you talk, like, like nice, all the time?"

University College Dorm
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

My coworker asked me if I "talk nice all the time." I said, "What do you mean? Not 'black'?" He laughed a little, then said, "No, like, I mean, yeah, you talk nice here at work because you wanna be professional and stuff, but when you're with your friends, do you talk all hard and stuff, like 'Yeah...', you know?" I answered, "Yes, I 'talk nice' all the time. This is just the way I speak."

I'm proud of him for asking, because most (non-black) people (who haven't known me for a while) just think that question, and never ask. It's potentially embarrassing, because non-black people sometimes have a hard time acknowledging racial differences. But yes, I do "talk nice" all the time.

I don't code switch. I know what it is, but I don't do it. I suppose it's because I've never heard my parents speak anything but grammatically correct, clear English, and because I was raised in an environment that was 90% white. I'm also an avid reader, and always have been; I ended up a highly verbal person (much to the detriment of my grades in math after 6th grade). I'm proud of the way I speak, and I'm also a little snobbish about it.

It grates on my ears when I have to continually listen to bad grammar. (Maybe that's why my hair is 50% whiter than when I left: riding the subway can be a harrowing auditory experience.) These days, I have to listen to it all day, and I often bite back screams and nasty comments. Is it so difficult to properly conjugate "to be"? I am, she is, he is, you are, we are, they are. I was, she was, he was, you were, we were, they were. I know English is screwy, but these are very basic rules, and we hear them used correctly every day. So why doesn't it sink in for some people?

I know certain dialects are a source of pride for others, just as I take pride in the way I speak the English language. I'm not always right, especially when conversing with my friends, but in a business setting, please use standard English. Language evolved to help us understand one another better. If you're speaking a different language, I'm going to get frustrated because I can't understand you. If there is an agreed upon standard - and in this case, it's "business english" - then let's use it.

So, yeah. I do "talk nice all the time."

I'm ranting. You are forewarned.

Daddy's Home, and a Bit Lost
My Laid-Off Life

Two articles about the newly unemployed.

I had a hard time getting started writing this entry. It wasn't because I didn't have anything to say. In fact, I have too much to say, and it's not kind, so getting up to walk off a little fury and organize my thoughts into something coherent was a good idea. I'm not sure if I accomplished coherence, but whatever.

The people in these articles have been laid off. Overwhelmingly, it seems that that fact hasn't really sunk in. Getting laid off or having your freelance work dry up really sucks. But my sympathy evaporates when you don't adjust your spending to compensate for the lack of income.

For example:

How to spend is a continuing negotiation — one that sometimes devolves into heated discussions, outright arguments and bouts of sulking. Tracey is trying, often unsuccessfully, to spend less on clothing for herself and the children. “Don’t make me look like a jerk,” she told a reporter, “but I cannot bring myself to buy my children’s clothes at Wal-Mart.” "But do you have to buy them at Ralph Lauren?” Scott shot back. - From the NY Times article.

What's wrong with this picture? Granted, these people have no debt. They've paid off their mortgage and put away savings from "the good times." But they're using their retirement savings to pay for clothes from Ralph Lauren, and soccer, skating, T-ball and karate lessons. Scott, the father, still goes to the gym. They refuse to give up their country club membership. When does the stupidity end?

NY Mag's little gems:

I’m too lazy to go to the gym, so I’ll take my Les Paul out of its case and stand in front of the mirror playing a John Mayer song. I’ve spent the past two weeks drinking and listening to music. And I spent my severance at a bar. (emphasis mine) I need to get good at that guitar so I can play at bars. - Ross Tillman, recruiter

I went shopping today. I needed the perfect skirt because I didn’t have the perfect skirt. Plus I’ve got this new guy, and we go out to nice places. He deserves a me in cuter outfits. But I also got $900 worth of clothes that I didn’t need. I used my credit card (emphasis mine)—I don’t usually do that. But I’m done stressing. No auditions? No work coming in? As Miss Scarlett would say, “I’ll worry about that tomorrow.” - Cadden Jones, actress

We’ve become more aware of what we spend. We looked at our cable bill to see if we could cut something, but you can get one channel for $30 and you get the whole package for $40, so it didn’t make sense to cut there. - Igor Gavrilov, Salesperson (Um, how about NOT HAVING CABLE?)

Let's make a comparison. As I know me rather well, I'll use my life. My income has dried up. My savings are dwindling. So I don't buy anything I don't need.

1) Groceries: instead of chicken breasts, I buy tuna in a can. I buy a big package of brown rice with a 60 cents off coupon, and several packages of 25 cent ramen noodles, and I alternate eating those for every meal. I buy a package of eggs and use them sparingly. At that rate, I can usually get out of the grocery store for under $10. Sometimes I buy canned green beans to go in the ramen.

2) Clothing: I don't buy clothes unless I'm desperate (holes in things and whatnot, and sometimes not even then: over Christmas, my mother had to drag me to the store to buy jeans).

3) Toiletries: I've given up cotton swabs. I use hotel soaps and lotions accumulated from the last three years. If something runs out and I don't absolutely need it, I don't replace it. I've been wearing my glasses more because I'm down to my last pair of contacts.

4) Entertainment: I watch movies and TV shows on the internet. I get books from the library instead of buying them. I've been to a movie theatre three times in the last year, and I paid a $1.50 for one of those movies.

I've made adjustments. The people profiled in these articles are either living off of severance, or they're complete idiots ($900? on credit? really? really??). I understand not wanting to give up too much of the lifestyle you've become accustomed to. One of my indulgences was expensive coffee; not from Starbucks, but a package of $8, $9, or $10 coffee from Wholefoods. When my last package ran out, I sucked it up that I couldn't justify spending that money. I bought the Foodtown brand for $3.50. And you know what? Tastes the same. Mom from the NY Times article? You don't have to go to Wal-Mart. Target clothes are inexpensive and fairly good. Better yet, hit the thrift stores! You can get department store cast-offs for $4 or less! Besides: THEY'RE CHILDREN. They're going to grow out of them in less than a year anyway, and they don't care what they're wearing.

I'm not listing my financial business so you'll pity me. I don't want pity. (I want a job!) The people profiled here are still doing all right. It would be interesting (and, sadly, bold) for some of these newspapers and magazines to profile people who are truly living on the edge, i.e. "I was ok living paycheck to paycheck and now I don't know where rent, due in three weeks, is going to come from. Even if I got a $10/hour job and worked full-time, I still wouldn't make it."

Reality check, folks: your material trappings are not you. Do you have a place to live and aren't in danger of losing it? Are your meals balanced, if inexpensive? Do you wake up every day with a sense of purpose, wherever it comes from? Then you're fine. Stop being stupid.

The Forum

The Forum
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

The civic center of ancient Rome over there.

Now go do your American civic duty (and hard-won privilege, let's not forget the people who have given and are still giving their lives for our right to make our voices heard) and GO VOTE. Don't forget, don't let the time get past you, don't let yourself get busy with other things.

VOTE.


UPDATE: I voted. It was good.

Consumption

No, not the wasting disease of 18th and 19th century novel heroines who, on their deathbeds, bravely said goodbye to their tearful lovers. The kind we do every day. The buying "things" kind.

I've been thinking a lot about consumerism lately. I think it's brought on in part by the drastic reduction of consumerism in my own life, and in part by my visit to Cairo, where consumerism as we know it doesn't exist for a healthy portion of the population.

I wish my lack of participation was a conscious decision brought on by an eco-friendly duty to "waste not, want not," but it's out of necessity. I just can't buy things, so I don't. I want to buy things - a comb, some better shoes, a thick rug for my floor and heavy fabrics for my walls, hair products, a comforter for my bed, big pillows for the floor, organizational furniture for odds and ends, the list goes on and on - but I am constrained by my finances to those things I truly need. Occasionally I'll break down and buy something frivolous, because some days you just get tired of saying "no" to yourself, but it's usually a package of $2.00 cookies. This life sucks because there's constant consumption going on around me in this city, 24 hours a day, but I'm not sleeping in a ditch on the side of the road like some children I saw in Cairo. We're ridiculously wealthy here, even the poorest of us.

Sometimes it sucks to watch others do what you'd like to do, i.e. buying things without thinking twice about it. But the silver lining of my limited financial resources is that I'm much more aware of where my money is going. And I'm much more aware of where the money of others is going. Before I purchase something, I think, "Do I really need this right now?" If the answer is no, I put it back. I see so many people buying just for the sake of buying. There might be, somewhere in their brains, a moment of "Do I need this?" but that question never gets answered because that part of their brain is beaten up and stuffed in a closet by the Want Faction of the brain. So they buy, buy, buy. And what do they get for their money? More crap. Endless piles of "stuff," of "things" that serve no purpose.

I don't know why we're so attached to "things." I'll admit that I am. There are items in my possession that serve no purpose other than looking at them gives me pleasure. I don't grudge anyone that, but how many purposeless objects do we really need? I've moved a lot, and every time I move I'm shocked by how much crap I have. I keep getting rid of things, and somehow, in the months between when I move, I've accumulated more crap. It's disturbing, really. How much "stuff" do I really need?

And yet, I do. I do need "stuff." I'm not the richest participant in our economy, but I have an apartment, and therefore a bed, and a desk on which to place my computer and notebooks. I have shoes, and clothing, and those things need a place to go. They could lay in a pile on the floor, but then they'd be wrinkled and dirty and my prospects in securing future employment would plummet because my appearance did not line up with that corporate culture's expectations.

If I were to relate this post to what's happening in our economy now, I would point out that the rich have always lived on credit. The landed gentry in England were always in debt to someone or other and that's why they had to "marry well," i.e. someone with more money than they had, to continue their current standard of living (thank you, last night's viewing of Sense & Sensibility). The investment banks survived on credit for years and years. They bet big, and sometimes they won big. They had a standard to uphold, so they consumed and consumed. Eventually, though, everyone realizes that they're just tulips, and the whole thing gets blown away like a dandelion puff.

I'm rambling, but what I mean to say is that to live in this country and not live on the street or in the forest in a glade somewhere is to be a consumer, and there's no escaping it, and that makes me a little bit sad.

Scuffed

Scuffed
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I feel like a big coward today. I feel like a big coward because I get freaked out when I try to polish my resume, or when I flip through an LSAT book, or when I think about the impending mountain of rejections, or worse, no response at all.

Reading an older post from PilgrimGirl's blog, I felt humbled that I balk at what are simple tasks compared to what she's gone (and going) through. I'm ashamed of my fear.

But I still don't make any moves. It's easier, simpler, less taxing, to sit still.

Believe me: I wish I didn't think this way. I wish I didn't agonize over every little detail and feeling and impulse. I wish I was content to wake up, go to my 9 to 5 job, come home, watch tv or read, go to bed, and do the same thing over again the next day, and the next, and the next. But this feeling that I need more than that has been going on long enough that I know it's not just something I can "get over" and "get a real job." You can chalk it up to being immature, spoiled, self-centered, or selfish, but I know those explanations don't apply here. I'm driven by the impulse to create. I am, dare I proclaim it, an artist.

Artists are branded with a lot of stereoptypes in this country. Artists are "weird, lazy, flaky people who just don't want to do an honest day's work." Artists are "immature, impotent, homos." Artists are "crazy and broke." Artists are "just avoiding the realities of life." Maybe there have been artists who fall into those categories because, in one way or another, they've been told that being an artist isn't acceptable.

Our loved ones might not say it out loud, but if someone pursuing an artistic life, one that wasn't completely financially stable, decided to go get an MBA, you can bet that their loved ones would breathe a sigh of relief. The motivation for the relief is concern for the artist's well-being, but the message still comes through: art is not a "real job."

There's no reason why an artist can't have a full-time job. A lot of artists do. A full-time job can keep one sane. But they're still an artist who happens to have a full-time job. They're chasing that something, or, rather, letting creativity flow through them. They have somewhere to turn to let it out. They're not toiling in a day job that has become their life, sticking a cap on their creative well. The job is a means to an end.

Bringing it back around to me, I understand that full-time can balance with creativity. I just can't seem to shake the fear that when I interview for these day jobs they'll see right through me. They'll see that I'm not willing to give them all of me, or even the illusion of all of me. Companies seem to be a little insulted when they sense that you're not their priority, no matter how low-level the job.

So I guess what I'm saying is, "I'm awesome. Hire me and I'll be great, as long as you don't expect more of me than the body who occupies space in your office building between the hours of 9 to 5. So gimme a job."

(Yes, I'm being silly. Somewhat.)

(I blabbed a lot today.)

I Guess It's A Snickers

I Guess It's A Snickers
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I don't remember where I was, but I was watching television. It was unusual because I don't own a television, nor do I frequent places that have televisions on and available. Nevertheless, I was somewhere, watching television.

A public service announcement came on. The donkey from Shrek started rapping (badly) about kids getting up and playing outside. Computer animated storybook forest creatures cavorted and did outdated, embarassing, "my parents are STILL doing the Macarena at weddings" dances, while children ran, in a manic fashion, around a playground. It's weird, but cute.

However, while watching, it hit me that this was a PSA to get children to go outside and play. How weird is that? I don't remember being a grade schooler and my mother and father telling me to go outside and play. (They probably did, repeatedly, when I was a teenager, but laziness is intrinsic to adolescence and cannot be countered with parental admonishment.) I remember them having to yell at me several times to come back inside and eat dinner/do homework/take a bath and go to bed. What have we come to that we have to make commercials where animated movie characters tell kids to get off their butts and go play?

My temporary roommate put it simply: "It's a symptom of the internet and video game culture." I totally get that, but it still disturbs me on a fundamental level. Physical education is relegated to once a week for an hour. We dope our children with television, video games, movies, and food because we don't want to deal with them. No wonder kids have no love for movement or the wide-open possibilities of the outdoors.

It hurts my heart. I, currently, can't go to dance class because I'm (still) recovering from a sprained ankle. I feel like I'm a little crazed. I don't get the release of shutting down my logic center, using a different part of my brain, and exhausting my body at least once every other day. It hurts me that perfectly healthy children are not taking advantage of what I would (almost) kill to do.

Wake up, people! How can we make this better?