How to Move to New York to Be An Actor and Bomb Spectacularly

Peace
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

How to Move to New York to Be An Actor and Bomb Spectacularly

-Decide to move on a whim, with very little advance planning other than, "I'm moving to New York next month" and buying a plane ticket.

-Don't write down your career goals or how you'd like to accomplish them.

-Definitely don't make a reel of your work *before* you go, when you're not stressed out with trying to survive.

-Move to a theatre town when you've booked more on camera work than theatre.

-Change apartments. A lot. Like, once a month to once every six months.

-Get a job that kills your creativity and takes advantage of your Midwestern work ethic and sense of duty.

-Spend every evening in your apartment, not networking or finding out who you want to work with and getting to know them.

-Make ambitious plans to do mailings to CDs and agents in town. Only mail ten packets out of a list of 100.

-For that matter, neglect researching which casting directors work on projects that are within your type as an actor and just randomly mail headshots and reels to whoever has an address in the Ross Reports.

-Spend money you don't have on things that don't matter.

-Justify your junk food intake as an antidote to your stress level.

-Never exercise. Even when you get free yoga classes at one of the best studios in town for just four to five hours of work a week.

-Don't follow up on connections that will help you get a foothold in the local market.

-Do background work, thinking it will add some oomph to your resume, rather than just supplying income.

-Get an apartment in an expensive part of town, then use that as an excuse to dedicate yourself to your day job and not your creative work because, "I have to pay rent!"

-Refuse to pay to see theatre.

-Refuse to pay to go to the movies.

-Refuse to pay for acting classes because "You've done that already."

-Refuse to pay for new headshots.

-Make half-baked, nebulous plans to take a class, go to a casting director seminar, "work on your craft," "audition more," etc.

-Allow your daily stressors to overwhelm your goals, and justify that lapse as, "I'm just so *tired*!"

-Read The Actor's Voice religiously. Apply none of the advice to your life.

-Tell people, "I'm taking a break," when you're really just too lazy to be bothered to look up auditions, attend theatre, put together mailings, or put yourself out there.

-Most importantly of all, give up gradually, not making a firm decision to leave the biz behind, not because you don't want to do it anymore, but because it's "too hard."

*****

It was two years to the day (yesterday, Nov. 27) that I arrived here in New York, hopeful, daring, crazy. I think this is a fitting post for that anniversary.

New York has been good for me. I can't say it's always been good to me, but I've learned a lot. I'm much more tolerant of apartment living, having less personal space, and "Things That Annoy Me" in general. I've realized what I can tolerate and what I can't. I can say, "I HATE this place" in one hour, and the next I'll say, "I LOVE this place." I've made this place my home.

Nevertheless, dear reader, if you want to be an actor, you have to do the work. I didn't. I'm not angry with myself about that. I've made a firm decision to step away from the biz. I enjoy it, but I don't want it to run my life anymore. I don't want "actor" to be my job title right now. I can always return, though. The world of entertainment will always be there, and there's no age restriction.

I'm off to Korea to be a teacher for a while. You can read about the whole "moving to Korea" process at my new blog, long tall sallie, modern-day explorer. I'll be posting there regularly, Monday through Friday, about the process of moving to a foreign country, learning a new language, and any helpful travel tips I discover or invent.

Thanks for reading.

Feesh

Feesh
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I'm fish-sitting. They're funny, these fish. They're pretty greedy, but I know I'm not supposed to give them too much food. And I read that the Angelfish tend to "beg" quite a bit. I can say that I've witnessed that very behavior: they swim to the top, looking at the surface of the water hopefully. (You wouldn't think fish could be so expressive.) I think the other fish have picked up this habit now, too. A bad influence, those Angelfish.

Today's the day of my audition to be a teaching artist in Korea. I'm not really that nervous; right now, at least. I may be, just before I go in, or just before I do my monologue. But I've had so many auditions in my time as an actor that my "let it go" skills are quite strong. Don't get me wrong: I sincerely hope they accept me. I've been itching to teach again, and getting to do so in Asia would be an awesome adventure. But I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing. If there's someone better suited to the job than I am, so be it. I'll be glad they had top-knotch talent to choose from. (I also think that my lack of nervousness is because I have other things to be excited about should I not get the opportunity to teach in Korea. And, no, I can't tell you anything about it. Sorry.)

So, I'm taking the morning to relax and enjoy not having to be at work at 7am. I put some music on, I'm drinking coffee, and I'm catching up on my writing (can you believe it?). I think it's time to eat something now, too.

Wish me luck!


PS - Congratulations to Carissa and Jake on the birth of their daughter, Mavyn Olivia!

Thank You

A good audience can make the night.
A good audience is engaged.
A good audience brings energy to the theater.
A good audience feeds the actors' energy.
A good audience of 15 is always better than a bad audience of 100.
And two good audience members start a cascade effect: they laugh without restraint, and soon everyone on stage and off is enjoying themselves immensely.

Thank you so much, Keydron and Sheena, for making what could have been a dismal, run-of-the-mill, small audience, Thursday-night-after-a-day-off show into a high point in the run. Thank you!

A Little Light, Very Little Space

A Little Light, Very Little Space
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I'm moved! Back to Manhattan. And now that I'm moved, I can think.

The first night in my new place was a little depressing. Tiny room, nothing unpacked, missing my old place that seemed fantastic by comparison. The next morning, I walked out of the building, walked half a block, walked a north-south block, and went down into the subway and thought, "Oh yeah! This is part of the reason I moved." No more six- or seven-block walk to the subway. And yesterday, oh yesterday! I walked two blocks to Central Park to eat my bagel and drink my coffee. TWO BLOCKS. Kidlings, I am two blocks from Central Park and two blocks from Riverside Park. And all around me are one of the things I love most: beautiful buildings.

So, on the one hand, the stupid hand: mortgage-sized rent, tiny room, sharing space with another adult, not yet feeling comfortable in the kitchen and living room, side neighbors who walk like elephants. On the other hand, the pretty, sparkly, lovable hand: TWO BLOCKS FROM THE PARKS, restaurants, cafes and wine bars galore, 1 block from the subway, fire escape out which to dangle my feet in warmer weather, Starbucks, top floor apartment, and did I mention Central Park is right there? I'm in love again.

Rehearsal is going well. We definitely have a show, and it just needs some tweaking here and there. I love my cast so much. They make me laugh and they show me things in a different light and everyone is so willing to take risks and look silly and try things out and I really am going to miss them when this is over in a month. But before that's over, if you're in New York, you should come see the show!

The Less We Talk
by Alec Duffy
at the Ontological Hysteric Theatre in St. Mark's Church
April 16 - May 2, 8:00pm
www.hoipolloiworld.com

Rehearsal Has Eaten My Life

Rehearsal Has Eaten My Life
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

First full week of rehearsal is done, and, as predicted, I am WORN OUT. By Thursday, I was ready to firebomb my workplace, just so I'd have an excuse to stay in bed. (That may be a little extreme, but I'm the Queen of Hyperbole.)

I think I finally made my peace with the fact that New York is ridiculous and that's just the way it is. It no longer enrages me that I pay $850 for an apartment the size of some people's walk-in closets. I still get mad at people who throw their trash in the street and on the subway tracks, but am I really going to say anything to them? No (unless I'm having an "I feel reckless" day; I tend to throw my weight around a bit more on those days, so don't be standing in front of the subway doors when I'm trying to get off or I will hip-check you without remorse). This place is dirty, and smelly, and sagging and staggering under its own weight and bloated sense of importance, and that's just the way it is. I, alone, cannot change that.

You might be able to tell that I still don't love it here, but I'm not going to waste my breath or energy getting angry about its flaws. The flip side of the shoulder-shrug "oh well" attitude is that I feel a sharp pang of longing every time I see or read about a home that fits my dream. I see green lawns, flower gardens, white oak moulding and space space space and I moan a little under my breath. I don't yearn for real estate for prestige, profit, or financial flim-flammery: I just want a real home. A space that I walk into and sigh with relief because it's beautiful and it's mine. Doesn't need to be huge, just comfortable, clean, and quiet.

Someday.

Unions

I have a request!

I've been asked to expound on how I got into "must join" status with AFTRA without realizing it. I'll talk about all the unions I'm familiar with just to be safe.

The unions were formed to standardize fair wages and working conditions for performers. "Actor's Equity's constitution was drafted by May 1913 and was formally recognized by the American Federation of Labor (the AFL-CIO) on July 18, 1919." (From the Actor's Equity History page.) SAG was established in 1933, and a few years later, AFTRA was formed in 1937.

1) AEA - Actor's Equity Association

Actor's Equity is the actor's and stage manager's union whose jurisdiction includes Broadway, Off Broadway, Off Off Broadway, certain regional theaters, dinner theaters, touring companies, and some theme park performers. So, basically, live performance. I am a dues-paying member of AEA.

There are only two ways to join AEA. The first is that one can pay the first $100 of Equity's initial dues ($1100 total, which can be paid over two years) and become an Equity Membership Candidate (EMC). Being an EMC gives one access to Equity auditions after members and before non-union, non-EMCs, and allows one to accrue points for work on Equity productions. Once one has enough points (47, I believe it is), one is eligible to join AEA. The second way is to be offered a union contract by a theatre that is authorized to do so. (The various agreements between Equity and producing theatres are multitudinous and complicated. Some examples: LORT - League of Resident Theatres, SPT - Small Professional Theatre, LoA - Letter of Agreement. I don't really want to get into the details of each, but the information is out there if you want to know more.)

In certain markets, AEA membership is not beneficial unless one is a well-established performer and has cultivated relationships with many union theatres that lead to regular work. In New York, the sheer number of Equity auditions held in one week and the ease of signing up for them makes the membership worth the time and money. Union membership doesn't guarantee work, but it gives one access to work that pays, even if it doesn't always pay well.

2) SAG - Screen Actor's Guild

The Screen Actor's Guild represents actors on film and television. SAG and AFTRA used to bargain with producers together until recently, when AFTRA decided to negotiate its own contracts with producers without SAG. Their jurisdiction overlaps in certain areas, but most major market feature films are covered by SAG.

From the SAG mission statement: "With 20 branches nationwide, SAG represents nearly 120,000 working actors in film, television, industrials, commercials, video games, music videos and other new media."

Joining SAG seems confusing at first, but really isn't as complicated as it seems. Being employed as a principal or having a speaking role in a film, tv show, or commercial under a SAG contract, or being employed as background at full SAG rates for three, full work days makes one eligible to join. It costs $2335 to become a member of SAG, which is why most people don't enter into that relationship lightly. If one has a speaking role, one is "SAG-eligible" and can work for 30 days on non-SAG projects, at which point one becomes a "must join" and can't work on any union projects until one pays the initial dues and joins SAG. If one has earned SAG-eligibility through background work, one can continue to work as a background performer on SAG and non-SAG projects without becoming a member.

Bottom line: don't join until you can pay the dues, because they're due in full immediately. That means, if you get offered a commercial or speaking role that will "Taft-Hartley" you (that 30-day period I talked about), don't take it unless the check will cover your dues or you have that amount saved.

3) AFTRA - American Federation of Television and Radio Artists

AFTRA represents "performers, journalists and other artists working in the entertainment and news media." They cover broadcast, public and cable television shows, soaps, talk shows, reality and game shows, radio, sound recordings, etc. SAG and AFTRA overlap when it comes to television: Life on Mars is a SAG show, Damages is an AFTRA show.

Interestingly enough, AFTRA does not have a delineated set of rules governing membership published on its website. On it's "How to Join" page for New York, it simply says, "Any person who has performed or intends to perform professional work in any one of AFTRA's jurisdictions is eligible for membership." It says nothing about waivers or "must join" status. Interesting.

Anyway, because I found out the hard way, I'll let you in on the goods. You can work ONCE under an AFTRA contract without becoming a "must join." You will get paid AFTRA rates and enjoy the benefits of membership for that day - a waiver. You then have only 30 days to work non-union on any other AFTRA projects without joining. After that 30 days is up, the next time you work an AFTRA projects puts you into the position of having to join the union, i.e. "must join." You can no longer work AFTRA projects as a non-union person. If you pony up the $1300, then you're a member. If you don't, you can't work, not even as a non-union person. Once again, only take the work if it's going to pay the initiation fee. I'm embarrassed because I worked for the Onion News Network for $40, not realizing that the next time I worked (Damages, $135.00) would put me into must-join status. Obviously the work didn't pay for the initiation fee.

There is one other way to join each of these unions. If you are a member of one of the performing unions, are in good standing (you've paid your bi-annual dues) and have been a member for at least a year, you can pay the initial dues and join any of the other unions. I don't think this is the best option because it doesn't build the relationships you need to keep working once you join. I'll admit that this was my mistake concerning Equity. I was not as established as I thought I was, and as an Equity member, I was now too expensive for most theatres to hire, and I didn't have the clout to overcome that. I'm not going to abandon my membership now, but let my mistakes be a lesson to you.

Wordy, but it makes up for all the days I didn't update. Good luck to you! I hope the business side of acting doesn't overwhelm the art. Get all the business in order, and then you're free to be arty.

Bummer

Well, this stinks.

Seems Adia didn't do her research. Adia should have gotten herself 100% informed about what it meant to work on union projects. Adia was so consumed with knowing SAG and AEA rules that she neglected to read the fine print on AFTRA.

Adia is in "must join" status.

What does that mean? It means I have to give AFTRA $1300 and some change before I can work on an AFTRA project again. It means that I can't even do non-union AFTRA extra work. It means I screwed myself.

Always read the fine print, kidlings.

Some bubbly, perhaps?

Some bubbly, perhaps?
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

That glass of champagne is also being raised to my fellow "The Less We Talk" workshoppers. Thank you for an extremely fun and educational process. I wouldn't have learned as much if you all weren't as fearless and supportive as you were! See you soon!

***************

I was thinking about networking a few days ago. I'm looking for another job and I tell EVERYONE, knowing that I can get information and leads from friends and acquaintances. It doesn't matter whether or not they directly have something for me. They may know someone who knows someone who knows someone, and that's better than nothing.

I really appreciate that sense of sharing information and helping everyone at the same time: you have a job, I'm looking for one. If I fit, you fill your job, and you think highly of the friends that helped you find the right candidate. Win-win!

What I don't appreciate is when people are hesitant about sharing information with me because they don't think I can help them. I remember one instance, riding home from a dinner party organized by a Minnesota friend, two other attendees were exchanging business cards. I already had the business card of one of them, and I asked the other if I could have one as well. He hesitated, obviously reluctant to give me one. I almost wanted to say, "Wow. Were they expensive? You don't have to waste one on me if you don't want to," but I held my tongue and smiled.

I learned something in that moment. I learned that, personally, I'm happy to give people my contact information. I never know what projects you'll be up to in the future, and you never know what I'll be up to in the future. I may need your skill set exactly, and in five years time you may get a call out of the blue from me saying, "Hey, you're the only one I know who can do this. Can you?" Every interaction is a chance for both parties to advance, to live the principle of "win-win" rather than "win-lose."

So, "win-win," people! Help each other. It really doesn't cost you anything unless you let it.

Metro

Metro
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I have orange pulp between two of my molars. Ugh. Time for floss.

For not having done that particular monologue in months, my audition went well. I didn't walk out feeling like I "should have done X!" and the director said "That was very nice." I'll take it.

I tried something new in that audition. Normally, I only have about five seconds of silence before I start talking, if even that. But because of the work we've been doing in this workshop, I decided to "see and be seen" before I moved into the meat of the monologue. It's a clown term that basically means let the audience see you and you connect with them before you start doing anything. Obviously I don't want to make eye contact with the auditor (too confrontational), but I can enter the space that I've created, let him look at me and take me in, and then start the monologue. So there was a good 30 seconds of silence at the top of my audition piece. And it felt good. So using that again.

Still No Internet

Oh, kidlings. I fear that my "free" internet is gone! I hope that this glitch is temporary, but downtime has never lasted two days before. It's usually just a few hours, and then everything is back to normal. Having to wait until I get to the yoga studio or typing on my phone is terribly inconvenient, and I can't post photos. Boooooooo. This stinks.

*********

Currently reading a book called There's No Place Like Here. It's the author's fifth novel. Another of her novels, P.S., I Love You, was made into a feature film. She's the co-creator of "Samantha Who" on ABC. She's 27. *sigh* Happy for her, but *sigh*.

*********

Today I'll be photographed for The (Red) Campaign. I feel honored to be a part of such a great concept. It's a win-win idea, and according to The 7 Habits..., win-win is the way to live. Hopefully I'll be able to get a copy so you all can see!

When shooting exteriors until 4:00 in the morning in the fall...

...wear layers.

Oh, kidlings, I was so cold on Thursday night/Friday morning. I wanted to cut open one of my fellow extra's bellies and crawl inside for warmth. (**Wow. Reading this for editing, this is a little brutal. Heh. Seriously, though! It was cold.**) I wanted to bum rush the stars and steal their parkas. I wanted lava to spew out of the East River and blanket the Long Island coast. So, so cold.

So, yeah, we shot until 4:00 am. I got home at 5:30. Went to sleep at 6. Woke up at 9 to wait for the maintenance man that never came. Called and rescheduled my 3:00 interview because I knew I would be half-dead, and didn't want to give the impression that I was always half dead. Went back to sleep.

I don't think they're going to need us next week. I thought there were interior shots, but I don't think so. I think the 8th and 9th were on hold in case the weather was inclement. So, oh well. But two long days is still great, money-wise. I'll be able to pay my rent!

It was a good day, though. Tempers got short, people yelled, but I still would rather be there, on set, than anywhere else. I met a bunch of cool, professional actors, made some money, and got my foot in the door in the on camera world in New York. I have momentum. So, even when it's bad, it's good.

Moar, plz. Kthnxbai.

Ugh

Got released around 4. AM. I fell asleep leaning against the wall on set. I think that prompted one of the crew to decide to wrap us.

Everyone's cranky, everyone's tired.

Posted with LifeCast

I Warmed My Hands On The Set Lighting

Duuuuude. So cold. Not as bad as this afternoon - the wind's died down - but it's still chilly.

There are some crazy people here.

Posted with LifeCast

Surprise Guest Star

I can't say who it is, but I'll give you a hint.

"Until you do right by me, everything you do gonna fail."

Posted with LifeCast

Still Cold

Although I got to use the bathroom in the honeywagon.

Posted with LifeCast

Holy Crap It's Cold

We're down by the water in Williamsburg. The wind is cutting across the area, and even in a turtleneck and leather jacket, I'm freezing.

And we haven't been fed yet.

Posted with LifeCast

Oh Dear

Tensions are running high today. A good day to shut up and do what you're told.

Posted with LifeCast

Later Call Today

Waiting in holding with all my BLA peeps. We have a later call because the crew worked later last night. I think they were there until 2 or 3 am. Which means we may be working until 2 or 3 tonight. Fine with me. Like I said, more money is always good. We're still shooting exteriors today, and we haven't touched the interior scene. My fingers are crossed for another two days!

Posted with LifeCast

Whew

So, I got released at 9 pm. Not as much overtime as I'd hoped, but still an 11 and a half hour day. Not bad.

A few semi-famous folks on set, and a few famous ones.

The semi-famous:

Gretchen Mol



Michael Imperioli



Jason O'Mara, the lead (had *no* idea he was Irish)



The famous:

Harvey Keitel



There were some other people, but I didn't recognize them or know their names, so I can't look them up. And I am tired. I want to sleep. So good night.

More live-blogging on Thursday!

Guess Who's Getting Overtime?

This chick, that's who.

I volunteered to stay later. More money is ALWAYS good.

I've been talking with some of the other extras about SAG eligibility, and if this show uses me for one more day, I will be eligible. That means I'll be able to do both union and non-union projects.

Posted with LifeCast

Oh Catered Lunch, I Have Missed You

So, yeah. Eating lunch at 5pm. Crazy. But I've been munching all day from craft services, so I didn't get too hungry.

Have to get back on the bus (literally) in a few minutes.

Posted with LifeCast

Parked

I'm glad to be sitting down for a moment. We've been running up and down an alley for two hours.

So, after this job, I really want to be SAG. On set treatment is so lavish, I don't think I can go back.

Posted with LifeCast

I Look AWESOME

Seriously, guys. I wish you could see me. I took an illegal photo in the bathroom, so you will! One of the costumers said I was "channeling the spirit of Angela Davis." Suh-weet.

Honestly, though? I feel a swelling of pride when I look at my fellow BLA character peeps. We're so beautiful.

I guess it's because it reminds me of a time when people were motivated (angry) enough to get organized, and more specifically black people were motivated and organized. There was fire and passion. Whether you agree with the methods used to achieve their goals or not, it beats the heck out of the lethargy and complacency we all feel now.



Posted with LifeCast

What Time Is It? (pause) Seriously?

5:00 am: Alarm goes off. "AwOOOOgah!"

Me: "No."

5:09 am: "AwOOOOgah! AwOOOOgah!"

"ALRIGHT."

6:15 am: Done getting ready. Departure from apartment scheduled for 7 am.. This is unusual.

7:15 am: Crap. I need to leave. Stop farting around your apartment, Morris!

8:17 am, somewhere in Queens: Gigantic strip mall that's sure to be closed when we get released. This should be a fun, dark, deserted walk back to the train. Must find a walking buddy.

8:30 am: Arrived at holding room. Ah, church basement smell. So this'll be my home for the next 10 hours.

Stay tuned, faithful reader!

PS-Getting a waiver means that I get paid SAG rates for my work. That's double the non-union rate. Bonus! (I secretly hope it rains so that I get at least two or three full days out of this job; the four days are just "possible shoot dates".)

Posted with LifeCast

Groovy

So I'm out of wardrobe. I'm out of Queens, actually. My costume? A green leather jacket, pumpkin turtleneck sweater, maroon pants, and big hoop earrings. Did I mention that my character is a member of the Black Liberation Army?

I'm waiting for my next appointment, kicking myself for not remembering to wear business casual this morning. (One of my neighbors cooked smelly food at midnight. The stench hung in the air in *my* apartment until 4 am. I can't sleep with stench.)

Until tomorrow!

Posted with LifeCast

Live-blogging from Kaufman Astoria Studios

"Hurry up and wait" is the unofficial motto of the on camera world. I hurried to get here, sweating in 65 degree weather, and now I'm sitting. Waiting. Waiting for wardrobe to see me. I have to pee. But I don't dare leave because they might be ready for me.

Will return with more later! Maybe tomorrow

Posted with LifeCast

Product Placement

Product Placement
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I'm learning through this daily photo project of mine that not every photo is going to be a masterpiece. Not every photo can be a masterpiece. In fact, most of them are going to be disasters at best and boring at worst. The people who seem like they're cranking out masterpiece after masterpiece spend a lot of time laying big, fat, turdy duds. They just don't show the good stuff until it's ready.

I've chosen to show the good and bad. All too often all we see is the good. In today's media, everyone glitters, with every hair intact and not a pimple in sight. Even "wardrobe malfunctions" are calculated for maximum press coverage. No one wants to show the messy side. No one wants to show that they're human.

Because we never see human beings in the media, we come to expect that every public face will be a perfect one. The truth is, those people have an army of stylists to shellack their hair in place, and a dermatologist standing by with a big, fat needle full of cortisone to attack any and all pimples. Being perfect takes a lot of work.

So here I am. I'm showing the work. Maybe it's not as much fun for you, the viewer, but it is educational. Watch and learn, and maybe celebrate with me when I manage to stumble onto a masterpiece.

Unfinished

Cahier sketch
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

But how much is anything ever truly "finished"? One just decides to stop and move on to the next project. I decided to stop sketching and move on to the next project.

Which happens to be freaking out; the next project, that is. For FADE, the film I did two years ago, is having a premiere, two years later.

What: FADE
When: Friday, June 20th, 7:00pm
Where: Suburban World Theater, Uptown, Minneapolis


I'll admit it: I'm terrified. I haven't seen the film yet, so I have no idea what my performance is like. And that terrifies me.

I'm a control freak. I really am. I'm a Type A Control Freak. I like to have my hands on the reins/dials/levers/steering wheel and I don't want anyone else touching them. I won't throw open the shutters or pull all the stops or leave the cylinders wide open unless I know it's perfectly safe to do so. (This tendency sometimes makes me a bad actor.) This is absurd, of course, because I have absolutely no control over what other people are thinking or doing and my rational mind knows this, but I still prefer to live in the illusion that I AM IN CONTROL.

This premiere? Totally outside my control. I have to sit there, in the dark, with other people watching my performance and judging it, silently or vocally. I will have to sit there and take it and be ok with it and this is terrifying.

But it's a good lesson. It's an opportunity to practice doing something that scares me. I just might need someone to hold my hand while I do it.

Care, but don't care.

Wanting something too much seems to seal the fact that you will not get it.

I had an audition on Thursday for a show I really wanted to be a part of. Cool staging, small cast, recommendation from a friend, based on real people...all good things. And I had two weeks from the time the audition was scheduled to the actual audition. I think this was a death sentence for me. Too much time to think about it, to obsess over it, to look forward to it.

The Big Day (or so I'd labeled it in my mind) came, and I choked. It wasn't a terrible audition, but it wasn't my best. I flubbed the lines, and my song was shaky, and I screwed up the choreography. Now, who knows whether any of that had anything to do with my not getting a callback, but I didn't present my best self - the me that is calm, collected, confident, and doesn't care too much - in the room, so the factors that I can control were not operating at peak efficiency. Friday came and went with no phone call inviting me to callbacks on Saturday. Needless to say, it bummed me out.

I've had dozens of auditions in the last few weeks, but because this one mattered so much more, the rejection knocked me on my butt. The column I read on Actors Access talked about this very thing just this past Monday, and here I am as a living illustration of what NOT to do. It almost seems like a catch-22: you audition for the things you're interested in, but you can't show your desire to be a part of the project or it'll sabotage you. But like anything else in this career, it's a skill to be learned and honed. And like so many other things in this career, totally illogical. Care, but don't care.

So, the moral is: get back on the horse; the stupid, wild, unpredictable, ornery horse. I fell off, my butt is bruised, but I'm getting back on. And if sheer obstinacy is all that keeps me going, so be it.

My week, stream-of-consciousness style

"So that's Bryant Park. What's up, Fashion Week? Why do so many people spit here? That's nasty, dude. I really don't want to hear you horking up the contents of your throat and sinuses. This looks like an expensive part of town. Oh, hey, I've called that hotel and they've called us, too. Nifty. I should go in and say hi. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY OMG. Who cares about Jack Kerouac: look at the design on that ceiling! No, I do not want to give money to the homeless. Yes, I'm a cold, cold woman who doesn't have any money, either. I like this song. Man, I do NOT want to go back to work. Hey, it's not so bad here at work. I think they missed me. Heh. Was that Bob Costas? That was Bob Costas. Man, he is tiny! Like, REALLY tiny. So Ebony will be here, eh? Which one, I wonder? Please be kind to me, temp agency. I need a job. AUDITIONING EVERY DAY THIS WEEK OMG. I feel like a real actor! This new apartment is sweet. Hopefully I'll get to stay. Man, he's cute. I doubt he'll ask me out, though. I despise working on the floor. Singing audition = HATE. Those Equity monitors are great folks. I should bring them cookies. Strict diet rules have definitely flown out the window at a rapid velocity: mmmmmm...fish and chips! Oh, hello there white bread! You are crusty and soft and tasty! What's that, cranberry oatmeal scone with melted sugar on top? You'd like me to eat you like it's my job? I believe I am qualified for that task. Midtown = HATE. Free Broadway tix? Is that where my $454 worth of dues went? Sweet! I'll take it. Hey! Hire me! I am sooooo smart and talented and you won't regret it I promise! How is it that you can, in good conscience, pay an adult person a wage that does not allow them to actually live? Winter must die. Thank you for lunch and presents, Father-of-mine! I love my red tights. These dancer chicks are seriously skinny. She's wearing those hotpants-style dance shorts and NOTHING is jiggling. She sucks. And she's 12. Aisha's coming! All I want to do is eat. What's that, 100% cacao Ghirardelli chocolate bar dipped in honey? You were made for my consumption and mine alone? Why, thank you! That building is GORGEOUS. I wish I could live there. No more 1 trains? UGH. FINE. I'll walk to 72nd. But I'm just letting you know now that you SUCK, MTA. Just kidding. You're really awesome, actually. You keep this city from falling apart at the seams. These shoes were a mistake. Saturday already? Rockin'. Today I do nothing productive. Zzzzzzz..."

Lemonade

I've been in my current apartment for a week and a half. It feels like years.

Life in New York moves fast. That's not an exaggeration. One day can feel like a week in any other city. I'm not sure why that is, but I believe it has something to do with the constant stimulation. Lights, noise, other people: one is always on alert, and that's exhausting. I've gotten used to it, but when I first got here I was always so very tired. I'm still tired, a month and a few days later, but I'm used to it now.

I've had to take a break from pursuing acting work because I've needed to adjust to the new pace. The funny thing is that while everything in New York moves quickly, the business of performing seems to move slower than any other business. It takes incredible patience and diligent, daily forward motion to get an acting career off the ground here. There are many, many little steps that need to be taken in order to even have the possibility of a meeting with an agent, let alone booking a commercial, or even a role in a feature film. For example, let me walk you through just one piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is building an acting career:

The over-arching goal is to secure representation, i.e. an agent. Agencies need to see me, so my first, and at the moment, only available option is to do a mass mailing.

1. Revise my resume so that it sells my "brand"
2. Paste re-vamped resumes to the back of headshots.
3. Subscribe to an internet service that will provide me with agency contact information.
4. Research agents to see what others say about them.
5. Either handwrite mailing labels or input those addresses into my computer and create typed labels; either option is labor-intensive.
6. Put labels on envelopes.
7. Get stamps for the envelopes, and we're not talking 20 envelopes, we're talking 200 or more.
8. Create cover letters for each and every agency that are creative, professional, show my personality, and are specific to that agency.
9. Print those letters.
10. Stuff the envelopes.
11. Take all 200 (or more) to the post office and mail them.
12. Put it all out of mind or risk going crazy thinking about it.

Chances are good that I won't directly get any contact from this mailing. I will need to keep submitting and submitting until I get called in for a meeting. The meeting won't guarantee my getting signed with that agent. But it will be cause for small celebration, because it means that someone saw something in my photos and letter that grabbed their attention. And that's a great step, albeit a small one.

If I want to make myself more attractive to agents, I need to get on stage. And that's a whole new set of tiny tasks.

1. Start seeing theatre.
2. Try to talk to the theatre-makers whose work I liked.
3. Build a relationship with the theatre-makers, even if it means stuffing envelopes for three hours.
4. Once I've built rapport, pitch the idea of getting on stage, even if it's a small part; or, pitch the idea of my doing something small on my own, i.e. a reading of my writing or even just a storytelling hour.
5. Continue to get myself put on stage in whatever capacity possible.
6. Invite agents to come see my work (by addressing post cards and sending them out - more small tasks).
7. Hope someone takes a liking to what I do and calls me in for a meeting.

That's a lot of work when one is already working full-time. You know, it can seem as though the people who are making big bucks in Hollywood just all of a sudden "made it". There is no such thing as instant success. Somewhere along the line, those people had to hustle, had to be in the right place at the right time and forging relationships with the right people, maintaining their physical appearance, and spending obscene amounts of money on a career that is not a sane person's gamble.

This business is crazy, but in all my reading this afternoon and evening, I've come to realize that I keep doing this because I have to. I could choose to do something else, but why?

Good Auditions

Good Auditions make you feel special.
Good Auditions make you feel like the best actor in the world.
Good Auditions make you feel like the best person in the world.
Good Auditions make you want to skip and dance while pumping gas at the Holiday.
Good Auditions give you hope.
Good Auditions give you energy.
Good Auditions inspire you.
Good Auditions remind you why you do this stupid career in the first place.
Good Auditions enable you to keep going.
Good Auditions remind you how talented Minneapolis is.
Good Auditions validate you (sadly).
Good Auditions make you feel sexy.
Good Auditions make you feel smart.
Good Auditions make you love everyone you see.
Good Auditions brighten the world.
Good Auditions are like really good drugs.
Good Auditions make the surliness of the Dunn Bros employees seem trivial.
Good Auditions help you get back to your novel, even if you only write 200 words.
Good Auditions are...good.

Who cares if I got the job if I had a good audition?! I do.

Watch the whole video.

I support the Writers Guild strike. What happens to them could have an impact on my future in the coming year, and I'd like the outcome to be favorable.

Watch this video and see why the writers are striking and what they want as a result.

I was just lamenting that I didn't get a full-length photo of myself from the Ivey Awards this year, and then they finally posted the roving photogs pictures on the internets.

Here I am.

Simon Callow's words, my thoughts

On a message board I sometimes read, someone posted an article from the New York Times about five actors in New York City. It was a bit depressing. Four out of the five generally made less than $25,000 a year. In New York. Well, the article fomented much discussion, of course. Scary to some of us, encouraging to others - in respect to those who had decided to give acting their all, no matter how difficult or unrewarding it was - but all agreed that it was the reality of the profession.

Somehow the discussion turned to books written on that very subject, and one of those books is called Being An Actor, by Simon Callow. If you've seen Four Weddings and A Funeral, Simon Callow plays Gareth. He's an extremely talented actor, but he didn't start out that way, as I learned after I picked up his book from the library.

I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone else, but I feel that I'm reading exactly the right book at exactly the right time. (And I have my local library to thank for it! KEEP LIBRARIES OPEN! ahem.) He has a way of writing out his thoughts that rings clear and true with me. He writes of his discoveries and experiences and reminds me of details about the technique of acting that I had forgotten. His chapter on unemployment...oh, his chapter on unemployment! I don't know whether he went through many, many drafts before the final product, but everything he says in his chapter on unemployment I have felt in the last year and a half. An excerpt:

With every further day of unemployment, you feel less and less like an actor. If you go to the theatre, you feel remote from the people on the stage. If they're not very good, you rage inside at the injustice; if they are good, you feel hopeless: yes indeed, you have every reason to be unemployed, how can you compete with that? Although you comfort yourself that acting is like riding a bike and you don't forget how to do it, you get increasingly anxious about your capacity...

He nails those destructive thoughts right to the wall. But that's the beauty: knowing that someone else, someone extremely talented, has had those thoughts and that, yes, he did work again and did very well, is comforting. And it fills me with hope because it means that one day I will be up again. It may be down right now, but it will be up again. It's a roller coaster, but there's no shame in choosing this particular roller coaster. And for right now, I'm going to keep riding.

Here's what I've been trying to communicate.

Maybe I should have gone to accounting school...

Lazy Friday

Possible Pic for Miss Julie
Originally uploaded by AdiaMichelle

I finally have a day off this week. This week was a busy one with most of my days beginning before 7:00 am. That sucked. But I got to sleep in a little today. I took some photos and washed the dishes and looked at my new headshots (oooooo! it's about time for new pictures!) and now I'm relaxing until it's time to make dinner. I have become one of those people that has dietary restrictions, so I must prepare my own food or risk getting a nasty headache as I did yesterday after eating some soup from a cafe. I have learned my lesson.

----------------------

David Anderson, I owe you a blog entry. Don't worry! I have not forgotten. (I might be more expedient with my entry if I have some video to link to *hinthint*. :D)

I have my fifth audition of the week and my first callback tomorrow afternoon. And I had an acting class on Monday afternoon. I sort of feel like a real actor.

That said, I've been mulling over a post about the realities of being a working actor in these here times; debunking some myths, I suppose.

1) Not all actors are rich. I sometimes feel that when people find out I've done a few commercials that they think that I ride around in limousines. Not true. I still drive myself. In a limousine. Kidding.

2) Not all actors are poor. Some of us, do, indeed, make some money. I know the stereotype of the desperate actors, doing monologues in their living room and always waiting for that "big break," but I know quite a few people here in Minneapolis who, while they do have a part-time job of some sort, make money as actors. We're not rich, but we're working.

3) There is no big break. Oh, sometimes someone gets a starring role on a hit show from their very first audition, but the chances are extremely slim. We hear these stories sometimes, that "such and such" was an "overnight sensation," but the truth is most likely that "such and such" had been doing small parts in shows no one saw, auditioning everywhere, dragging their family up and down the emotional rollercoaster, and spending scads of money for headshots and clothes and travel. They hustled, making sure casting agents and directors knew their name and remembered them, and finally the right part came along, and they were in the right place at the right time. (An alternate scenario would be that they work hard to get their name out and the right part comes along but the rest of the show if a flop and they have to start all over again. No such thing as a big break.)

4) Actors are crazy. While we do have a flair for the dramatic, we're quite sane. We may appear crazy if most of the people in your life are...stoic, but we're not. (Okay, some actors are really freaking crazy. But those are generally the "not working" types.)

5) Actors are just "messing around" until they get a real job. Surprise! This is my real job, and I like it just fine. It's frustrating and heart-breaking and awful sometimes, but it's also exhilarating and life-giving and wonderful sometimes. And sometimes I get paid to do it. So I'll keep plugging away at it for a while.

dealing with disappointment

Looking back on 2006, it was a very good year. I became a member of the Actor's union and I worked pretty steadily throughout the year. It wasn't always a full production, but I was working. I even produced my first show. 2007 has not been so kind. At this point it has been over a year since my last full, "rehearsal period costumes stage lights" production and I'm missing it. I have worked, but that works has been "snippets": quick and dirty sorts of things. They were fun and interesting and I'm not complaining about having work, but they weren't anything that I could really sink my teeth into as an actor.

It's July, and now I'm looking forward into the rest of 2007 and into the early part of 2008. And from where I stand, it doesn't look as though there will be a full stage production any time in my near future. (I thought I would be doing two movies this summer but those didn't pan out, either. However, that's a different topic for a different post.) So I am jobless. It's true, no one can predict the future and I never know what may happen, but most of the theatres that I can work for have already cast their shows for the season or the season does not include shows in which I could be cast. I had a few auditions this month, and I was holding out hope for one of them, but no dice. I am an out-of-work actor.

So what does an out-of-work Adia do when she realizes her predicament? Well, first she cries a little and mopes around dramatically. She bemoans her state and wails "I want to quit!" Then she hangs out with people who are doing what they love and have boundless energy and she gets recharged for a little while. Then she gets tired and resigned, and isn't quite sure what to do or where to go from here. Does she stay and tough it out, hoping things will turn around if she's persistent? Does she hightail it out of town and move to a market where no one knows her and she has to start all over, hustling to get in people's faces and on their cast lists? Or does she move and just take a break from acting entirely and hope that the break clarifies where it is that she needs to go next, back to acting or in an entirely new direction?

It's been said over and over and over again, ad nauseam, that this profession is brutal. It is. Most people drop out by the time they hit 30 because it's just too much. The emotional toll is high, and not just on the performer but on their friends and family, too: relationships and quality time get sacrificed to the theatre or the film or the television show. The financial toll is ridiculous: new headshots every few years (every year in L.A.), clothing for auditions, travel for auditions, mailers, postcards, business cards, the demo reel, classes. The rate of return on this investment would cause any MBA with a brain to run screaming in the other direction. And let's not forget the constant mind games the actor has to play in order to stay sane - "remember who you are", "keep yourself humble", "be patient", "don't ride the emotional roller coaster" - because the barrage of messages to the opposite effect is never-ending - "who do you think you are", "what makes you so special", "you really suck and it's just that no one's being honest with you", "why don't you just give up playing around and get a 'real' job".

I'm not sure what keeps us going in the face of these ridiculous obstacles. Maybe it's outright, pig-headed stubbornness. Like I said before, anyone sane would run screaming in the other direction. And yet we're still here. Some of us have made compromises and have taken that 9-5 job in order to keep our heads above water, but we're still trying to make the dream - the dream of making a living solely as an actor/theatre artist - come true. Why do we do this, other than that we're crazy?

There must be something to it, I suppose, the playing make-believe and getting you, the audience, to believe that we're someone we are not. There must be something to taking the symbols that form letters and words and sentences and paragraphs and turning them into a living, breathing, fallible, fascinating human being. There must be something to getting you to think about your life and your ideas in a different way. There must be something to creating in you, the audience, empathy for a person you wouldn't look twice at if you met them on the street. There must be something to taking you by the hand and leading you on an adventure, knowing that you're right there with us and not hanging back or smirking skeptically but that you're right there with us because we're doing our job right. There must be something to it, or we wouldn't keep doing it.

I just deleted 800 emails out of my inbox. It feels very good.

I took part in the 48 Hour Film Project this weekend. What a crazy fun experience. Unfortunately I won't be able to see the fruits of everyone's labors until much later: I'm totally booked the evening of the screening. Boo. I will see it eventually, though. I'm not going to let my team forget! Ha.

Sleepy. I meant to be asleep two hours ago. Dagnabbit.

is it time to tear my hair out yet?

So, I just got a call that someone saw my Cub spot. On the Food Network. Hrm. I REALLY hope that it was one of those local spots that get aired LOCALLY on the LOCAL cable channels or I will be ill. If that is not the case I will have been violated in one of the worst ways by being paid a non-union rate for something that is being aired outside of the local market.

Now, without getting too up in arms yet, the most likely scenario is that it is just a local commercial (even though the term local seems to encompass St. Louis, MO, as well.) I'll put in a call to my agent and see if that's something I should be concerned about, but in all reality I have no control, and that's the non-fun of being non-union. You have no leverage. You're a dime a dozen and if you raise a stink there are 500 more people who look just like you who'll work for less. Those 500 shrink to 250 by the time you hit 30, and then around 35 your competition may have slimmed to just 50. But in the meantime you get to wait it out in actor purgatory, hoping someone will throw enough money your way to buy you out.

I'm rarely this candid on this blog. No one wants to dooce themselves. But apparently that little bit of ire wanted out.

I might make some cookies to make myself feel better.

I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance (shuddup) and I let the dog outside during the commercials. It's raining, and the dog is a wuss when it's raining. So he's standing on the step blinking at me and I'm yelling at him to "Go potty! It's not raining that hard! Go up the hill and go potty NOW!" and so on and so forth. I turn to look at the tv to see if the show is back on and I catch the last two seconds of a Cub commercial. In fact, it was the Cub commercial that I shot last month. And I missed it because I was yelling at the dog. BOO.

Oh well. It'll be on again.

The rain makes me think DEEP THOUGHTS.

"I'm not going to worry about money anymore." Moments ago, while sending a text message to friends about evening plans, that thought popped into my head. It seems like a random thought, but if you know how my mind works (and anyone who's ever had a lengthy conversation with me knows that sometimes I will jump topics, but the jump always follows a logical-to-me pattern), it's not random at all. Something about the repetitive, slightly mindless nature of scrolling through my phone's address book allowed my mind to wander, and it wandered to being able to "do good work."

By "good work" I don't mean volunteering at charities and helping ducks cross the street and things like that. Those are valid pursuits, but that's not what I mean here. I mean being able to do work that is artistically fulfilling and exciting for the intended audience, whether it's a play, a film, a photograph, or a novel. I want to do good work. And I know that in order to do good work, I have to be nicer to myself. Being nicer to myself means turning off the Internal Editor and allowing my perfectionist tendencies to fall by the wayside. It also means not taking work that I don't want to do just because I "need" the money.

Don't get me wrong: money is a necessity. I have quite a number of bills to pay and not working isn't going to get them paid off. But neither is being miserable at what I'm doing, which will only lead to my quitting and, you guessed it, not working. So it's important to me to only lend my time and energy to creative pursuits that I can look back on and think, "Wow am I glad I was a part of that." I've been blessed in that majority of the work I do *is* artistically fulfilling, but there are some things that - because they made my life unnecessarily complicated and stressed me out - I would leave out of my life if I had to re-do that section of my history.

So that, my friends, is what brought me to "I'm not going to worry about money anymore." Why should I when worry will not increase my bank account or bring me the jobs that I want to do? SARK says to "Do what you love. The money will follow." She also says that it might take a while, but it will happen. I think that's true. So for me, if it means turning down something that might pay me well but will take a big chunk of my piece of mind with it? It's not worth the cost.

More bullet points!

I have been busy. I know I say that all the time, but this time I mean it. So because I went to bed at 2:30 and woke up at 7:00, you get the bullet point list. Bullet Point List of Doom!

I have:

• started a dance residency with Kenwood School. Yay! Fun!


• been understudying "The Left Hand Singing" at Park Square to go in for Christiana May 2nd through the 4th; you should come see it


• started writing my blog posts on my hard drive so I don't have to worry about losing them


• been throwing the dog's schedule all out of whack because my schedule is all out of whack


• been eating fat and sugar almost exclusively


• NOT been going to the gym


• been getting to use my newfound Japanese skills, specifically shooting a commercial for Cub Foods


• woken up before 7:00 am nearly every morning for the last week and a half; I get to sleep in on...Tuesday. I think.


• started working on another screenplay


• needed desperately to clean my room


• looked at my room and thought, "I'm not cleaning this now"


• wanted to run away to Duluth for a weekend


• realized that I love writing more than most things I'm doing these days


• randomly text messaged some folks; sorry! I was bored


• had no idea what bullet point to use to end this magnificent work of art, this blog post, and left off with some lame sentence that desperately tries to be sort of funny but really isn't

Edit: The rest of my blog is NOT gone.

I'm understudying in about a week and a few days. That means that I'm not a part of the regular rehearsal process, but I come in somewhere around tech week, watch the show, learn the role that I'm understudying, and do it exactly like the regular person does it. Most of the time when one understudies, there's no guarantee of actually ever doing the work. This time, I'm guaranteed to go on. This is cool and scary at the same time. It means that, yes, I really have to know the part well, and, yes, people will see me perform it. Yay! and Booo!

So tonight I was going to head down to the theater and watch the first preview. Technically I don't start until next Tuesday, but I figure going in just a tad bit early will serve me well and in no way hurt me. So I was downtown St. Paul and I saw a large number of people milling about. "Shoot," I thought. "There's a show at the Fitzgerald." And, as I discovered later, The History Theatre, AND possibly the Ordway. Four venues that draw large crowds having shows all at the same time makes for a sticky parking situation. And I was running waaaay late because I stayed at the gym much longer than I intended and I couldn't find a parking spot and so I just said, "Forget it. I'm going home and studying my lines." So I did. I'll see the show tomorrow, and Sunday, and Tuesday through Sunday next week, so it's all good. I've learned shows in a week before. It's crazy, but it's possible.

Edited to add: Breaking news! Blogger rules! All I had to do was republish the entire blog (which wasn't happening when I published individual entries)! Hooray (yet again) for Blogger for being idiot proof!

at least it's warm outside

Why is it that when I keep my phone close and fully charged, no one calls? And when my phone is dying, or I haven't looked at it all day, everyone who needs me to call them back - in a very short amount of time - calls?

Edited to add: And now my phone doesn't seem to be working correctly at all. Great.

Cotton pillowcases make my face dry.

Tonight, I watched an actor friend shower, watched the Timberwolves cheerleaders gyrate mere inches from my feet, and discovered the Crunch the Timberwolf cannot be seen by mere mortals, even off the court.

Some days, my job is so weird and I LOVE it.